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So far, seven weeks since my surgery to remove a cancerous tonsil and a couple dozen lymph nodes — two of which were malignant — I've yet to find the sense of normalcy that I've been seeking.

Every day is unique, meaning I have no routine to give me the stability I crave. Everything is in flux and it makes me a bit anxious.

This realization is something new for me. I used to think that I was one of those "fortunate" few who didn't need the structure that most people have, structure that gives them a foundation on which to build the business of their lives. Me? Naaah.

What a load! How deluded can a man be? Allow me to make a sweeping generalization here — and correct me if I'm wrong: We all need structure in our lives in order to give us stability. More specifically, I need it. It's Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics in action: Without an outside influence, everything turns to crap.

This Law of Entropy, as it's also known, is in effect always and provides us with one of the negative motivators we all face at one time or another — fear. Fear of loss, mostly, I think. When life is nothing but chaos, most of us find it difficult to get things done, to feel secure and stable, and we often only kick into action to reverse the slide into chaos when we've begun to slide. That's where I'm at now. I can't lose any more; I hardly have anything left to lose. Except my sanity, perhaps, and that's not an option.

So, I'm taking action to create some structure — an outside influence — in my life. Housing, work, exercise, nutrition. . . all of these are areas in which I'm beginning to feel chaos in my life. Most of that chaos centers around work and home, so that's where I'm concentrating my thoughts and prayers, and my efforts.


Who knew that fighting cancer would be so difficult? I certainly didn't. It's changed my life in a myriad of ways that I never anticipated. Simple, I thought. No Big Deal.

Maybe it's time to leave behind the old life and move into the new. Trouble is, I have no idea what that new life looks like, what it means for me in terms of work, relationships, or home. Taking it "one-day-at-a-time" is so hackneyed a phrase that I hesitate to use it. . . but it's the only way I can express how I'm going about getting back to "normal." One day at a time.

I'll let you know when I arrive.