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CAUTION: If graphic descriptions of medical procedures make you queazy, grab some dramamine and read on.

Yesterday morning, I went in to Parkland’s FNA. . . wait for it. . . Clinic. . . for a Fine Needle Aspiration in my neck and, as it turned out, in my armpit. Seems every little, tiny sub-specialty at Parkland has it’s own “clinic.” It’s crazy. Weird thing is, they share the same space as the ENT Clinic. Same faces, different day.

I knew something was different when I arrived. I almost always park in the same spot; metered parking a good 1/3 of a mile from Parkland’s front door. It’s cheaper and gives me a bit more exercise, which I need. I pulled up, got out of the car, and stepped up on the curb to put some quarters in the meter. “Out Of Order,” it said, and flashed the word FAIL in big, digital clock letters. Hmm, I thought. Free pass today.

I was expecting something like my experience with my first and only other FNA from a year ago, when I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. That one was a biopsy of an enlarged lymph node in my neck — of “A Lump In My Throat” infamy. It was just a tiny prick, that, and a powerful suction, turning me inside out; strangest sensation I think I’ve ever had.

This time, they used a 23 guage needle for the first two stiicks. Oh, did I say first two?For the next 3 sticks they used the really fine 25 guage needles. Previously, I told you about the ENT resident referring me for the PET/CT scan and this FNA. She thought a lump in my neck was a very slightly enlarged lymph node and wanted a sample of it. Fine, I thought.

Once the pathology resident stuck me twice, I decided that I wanted some more o’ dat and asked him to biopsy a lump that appeared in my armpit beginning a couple weeks ago.

He whipped out his 25s — not once but twice — and oh, so not very gently, stuck me in the armpit, wiggled it around a bit, and sucked out enough tissue to smear a slide with each needle.

To finish it off, the attending physician, came in, jammed the 25 guage needle in my neck one last time, reeeeeally jiggled around and sucked out enough fluid and tissue to make steak tartare.

Honestly, I’ve had worse sticks when having blood work done. But there’s something about that suction. You know when you reach the bottom of a milkshake and it makes that slurpy sound? And the cherry’s sitting there in the bottom of the shake? Now, imagine that you’re the cherry and you’re being sucked through the straw. That’s how it feels.

Smelling salts, anyone?

I’d post pictures but there’s really nothing to see, particularly on my neck. Perhaps, a tiny red dot. No more. There’s a bit more to see where they stuck my pit. And, yes, I did take pictures. It was the only way I could see what the hell the doctor did.

Each time, he’d go away and give the slide a quick look under the microscope. The good news is, he didn’t see anything suspicious during his quick inspection. The bad news is, I spent the rest of the afternoon with my elbow raised to shoulder level. (In other words, it was kinda sore.) I’ll know more about the results of the FNA and the PET/CT scan in a couple weeks. I’ll expect good news then, too.

Better to be safe than sorry; y’know? I suppose every little thing like this will seem suspicious for a while.

I can live with that.